Senate to Vote on Participation Trophies for All Americans

(PenrosePapers.com) While an increase in stimulus checks to $2000 seems all but dead in the Senate, progress was made Friday on a bill that would acknowledge American sacrifice and perseverance during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic.

The 2020 Donald J. Trump Participation Trophy Bill would award every U.S. citizen who survived the year with a luxurious faux-gold leaf trophy suitable for display on bookshelves, coffee tables, or homemade shrines.

“More lasting than money – which would just be spent – these trophies will be a solid testament to all those Americans who refused to give up their freedom despite hounding from the liberals and the press,” said a spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Proudly displaying your participation trophy will show that while you may not be quite winning, you certainly are not quite dead yet, either.” Continue reading

GOP Elephant to be Sacked in Convention “Surprise”

(PenrosePapers.com) Ever since Thomas Nast first used one in a political cartoon in 1874, the elephant has been the symbol of the Republican party. Sources close to the Trump administration say the president feels that 146 years is enough.

As one of the “surprises” the president was promising for his convention, he announced early Tuesday that the iconic GOP elephant would be dropped in favor of another imposing animal figure: the bear.

“From the Chicago Bears to that Smokey Bear that rakes forests to Yogi, the Yo Semite pic-a-nic basket bear, the bear is a symbol of GREATNESS,” President Trump tweeted in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. “An elephant may never forget, but a bear will eff you up so YOU never forget. MAGA!” Continue reading

Trump Taps Wild-West Tech to Tackle Postal Woes

(PenrosePapers.com) The growing body of stories concerning Trump-created postal slowdowns is appearing to have an effect. At Thursday’s coronavirus press conference, the president announced plans to save the Postal Service by re-introducing part of its past.

“The Postal Service, not good, not good. And not my fault, by the way. It’s certainly not what it used to be, back in the days when horse and rider delivered electronics, Publisher’s Clearinghouse entrees, and boobie magazines in plain, brown, wrappers,” the president told the gathered press.

It took another 10 minutes of rambling train of thought before what was being proposed finally became clear: President Trump was relaunching the Pony Express. Continue reading

Health Professionals Issue COVID-19 Warning: Avoid Republicans!

(PenrosePapers.com) Since the early days of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, the National Association of Practicing Virologists has been leading the charge on preventative measures. One of the first organizations to advocate for universal mask wearing, they have also been steady in their recommendations concerning hand washing, personal space issues, and crowd avoidance.

On Thursday, they announced their latest virus-avoidance recommendation.

Avoid Republicans. Continue reading

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