Future Ex-President Impeachment Schemes Fuel Latest GOP Schism

(PenrosePapers.com) Rand Paul wants a crack at Jimmy Carter.

For Ted Cruz, only JFK will do.

And Lindsey Graham – perhaps channeling a certain golfing buddy – thinks Clinton should be given a second go-round.

Even before Trump’s second impeachment has ended, a fresh schism has broken out in Republican Senate ranks over which past Democratic ex-President should be impeached first. And if history is any, uh… wait. What?

“Democrats have opened the door on this with their second impeachment of President Trump,” says one top Republican party official. “He’s not even presidenting anymore, right? So, what’s good for the rooster…” Continue reading

Trump to Depart DC in Golf Cart One

(PenrosePapers.com) President Trump has long bucked tradition when it comes to the various day-to-day routines of the presidency, and his last departure as president from the White House on Wednesday will be no different. Instead of a presidential helicopter, limousine motorcade, or armored column, President Trump has chosen to depart via golf cart.

“It’s a last sort of F.U. to President-elect Biden,” one aide acknowledged as he stuffed boxes and artwork into his Hyundai Monday. “This way he won’t have to ask Biden to borrow presidential cars or planes. It also is a nod to his legacy. Some of his finest accomplishments happened on the golf course, like that one time in ’18 where he wedged a 23-foot shot out of the bunker and sunk it.

“Oh, you haven’t heard about that? Lucky fucking you.” Continue reading

Senate to Vote on Participation Trophies for All Americans

(PenrosePapers.com) While an increase in stimulus checks to $2000 seems all but dead in the Senate, progress was made Friday on a bill that would acknowledge American sacrifice and perseverance during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic.

The 2020 Donald J. Trump Participation Trophy Bill would award every U.S. citizen who survived the year with a luxurious faux-gold leaf trophy suitable for display on bookshelves, coffee tables, or homemade shrines.

“More lasting than money – which would just be spent – these trophies will be a solid testament to all those Americans who refused to give up their freedom despite hounding from the liberals and the press,” said a spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Proudly displaying your participation trophy will show that while you may not be quite winning, you certainly are not quite dead yet, either.” Continue reading

GOP Elephant to be Sacked in Convention “Surprise”

(PenrosePapers.com) Ever since Thomas Nast first used one in a political cartoon in 1874, the elephant has been the symbol of the Republican party. Sources close to the Trump administration say the president feels that 146 years is enough.

As one of the “surprises” the president was promising for his convention, he announced early Tuesday that the iconic GOP elephant would be dropped in favor of another imposing animal figure: the bear.

“From the Chicago Bears to that Smokey Bear that rakes forests to Yogi, the Yo Semite pic-a-nic basket bear, the bear is a symbol of GREATNESS,” President Trump tweeted in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. “An elephant may never forget, but a bear will eff you up so YOU never forget. MAGA!” Continue reading

Trump Taps Wild-West Tech to Tackle Postal Woes

(PenrosePapers.com) The growing body of stories concerning Trump-created postal slowdowns is appearing to have an effect. At Thursday’s coronavirus press conference, the president announced plans to save the Postal Service by re-introducing part of its past.

“The Postal Service, not good, not good. And not my fault, by the way. It’s certainly not what it used to be, back in the days when horse and rider delivered electronics, Publisher’s Clearinghouse entrees, and boobie magazines in plain, brown, wrappers,” the president told the gathered press.

It took another 10 minutes of rambling train of thought before what was being proposed finally became clear: President Trump was relaunching the Pony Express. Continue reading

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