Administration to Combat Coronavirus With Equine Deportations

( Mere hours after being placed in charge of the emerging coronavirus pandemic, Vice President Mike Pence has come out swinging with a plan to cripple the virus before it has a chance to sweep across the United States. And like so many aspects of the Vice President’s life, the way to salvation was found through his faith.

“Vice President Pence spent several hours praying and listening to his Old Testament on Tape audio books, and now we have a plan,” says a source close to the V.P. “Praise American Jesus!”

Pence’s plan – tentatively titled “Giddy-Up & Gone” – involves the deportation of every horse – be it a Shetland, Morgan, or draft horse – from the continental United States.

“Well, isn’t it obvious?” the source asks. “Pestilence – or the coronavirus, in this case – is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. What happens if you take away his horse? Pestilence walks. By the time cold and flu season ends during spring break week, Pestilence will still be stuck in the suburbs looking for a foot rub.”

There are still a variety of issues to be worked out before “Giddy-Up & Gone” is ready for implementation, not the least of which is where to deport the country’s 9.2 million horses to.

One large problem has surprisingly been red state push-back, with everyone from the rodeo circuit to the Kentucky Derby slamming the program for its economic costs. Such protests appear to be pointless, however, as V.P. Pence has already signed off on a slogan for the “Giddy-Up & Gone” program:


Pestilence on  horse, uh oh brother!

Pestilence on foot, we got this, Mother!


Editorial note: Since publication of this article, administration officials have reached out to The Penrose Papers to confirm that weekly prayer rallies and the issuance of Lysol cans to all border agents are also being considered to combat the coronavirus threat.


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