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GOP Elephant to be Sacked in Convention “Surprise”

(PenrosePapers.com) Ever since Thomas Nast first used one in a political cartoon in 1874, the elephant has been the symbol of the Republican party. Sources close to the Trump administration say the president feels that 146 years is enough.

As one of the “surprises” the president was promising for his convention, he announced early Tuesday that the iconic GOP elephant would be dropped in favor of another imposing animal figure: the bear.

“From the Chicago Bears to that Smokey Bear that rakes forests to Yogi, the Yo Semite pic-a-nic basket bear, the bear is a symbol of GREATNESS,” President Trump tweeted in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. “An elephant may never forget, but a bear will eff you up so YOU never forget. MAGA!” Continue reading

Trump Taps Wild-West Tech to Tackle Postal Woes

(PenrosePapers.com) The growing body of stories concerning Trump-created postal slowdowns is appearing to have an effect. At Thursday’s coronavirus press conference, the president announced plans to save the Postal Service by re-introducing part of its past.

“The Postal Service, not good, not good. And not my fault, by the way. It’s certainly not what it used to be, back in the days when horse and rider delivered electronics, Publisher’s Clearinghouse entrees, and boobie magazines in plain, brown, wrappers,” the president told the gathered press.

It took another 10 minutes of rambling train of thought before what was being proposed finally became clear: President Trump was relaunching the Pony Express. Continue reading

Health Professionals Issue COVID-19 Warning: Avoid Republicans!

(PenrosePapers.com) Since the early days of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, the National Association of Practicing Virologists has been leading the charge on preventative measures. One of the first organizations to advocate for universal mask wearing, they have also been steady in their recommendations concerning hand washing, personal space issues, and crowd avoidance.

On Thursday, they announced their latest virus-avoidance recommendation.

Avoid Republicans. Continue reading

It is what it is.

Trump To Share Task Force Press Stage With Fauci, Einstein, Jesus Puppets

(PenrosePapers.com) Coming off a week of solo coronavirus press conferences where President Trump largely stayed on message and didn’t delve too far into conspiracy theories, media altercations, or quasi-deranged aberrant trains-of-thought, White House aides were cautiously optimistic that their boss had found a semi-presidential milieu that would stop his polling skid.

Then we hit a week of demon sperm, hydroxychloroquine-love, irritability, and #NobodyLikesMe.

For White House aides, it was time for Plan B.

“He is incapable of staying on message, so we need some way to pull him back on,” says one source close to the coronavirus task force. He insisted on anonymity, but says we could call him “Bob.”

“We thought about musical acts during the daily task force press meetings, special guests, animal tricks, maybe a Trump Top 10 list. In the end, we felt we really needed to go with the puppets.” Continue reading

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