Senate to Vote on Participation Trophies for All Americans

( While an increase in stimulus checks to $2000 seems all but dead in the Senate, progress was made Friday on a bill that would acknowledge American sacrifice and perseverance during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic.

The 2020 Donald J. Trump Participation Trophy Bill would award every U.S. citizen who survived the year with a luxurious faux-gold leaf trophy suitable for display on bookshelves, coffee tables, or homemade shrines.

“More lasting than money – which would just be spent – these trophies will be a solid testament to all those Americans who refused to give up their freedom despite hounding from the liberals and the press,” said a spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Proudly displaying your participation trophy will show that while you may not be quite winning, you certainly are not quite dead yet, either.” Continue reading

Trump Taps Wild-West Tech to Tackle Postal Woes

( The growing body of stories concerning Trump-created postal slowdowns is appearing to have an effect. At Thursday’s coronavirus press conference, the president announced plans to save the Postal Service by re-introducing part of its past.

“The Postal Service, not good, not good. And not my fault, by the way. It’s certainly not what it used to be, back in the days when horse and rider delivered electronics, Publisher’s Clearinghouse entrees, and boobie magazines in plain, brown, wrappers,” the president told the gathered press.

It took another 10 minutes of rambling train of thought before what was being proposed finally became clear: President Trump was relaunching the Pony Express. Continue reading

Trump Administration Mulls Fortune Cookie Ban

( The trade war between the United States and China entered new territory on Tuesday when it was revealed that the U.S. was considering a ban on Chinese fortune cookies.

The news came during an impromptu press conference held during a tour of the South Carolina-based Big Jim’s Confederate Flag Factory, which rolled out the welcome mat for both the President and Vice President.

“Fortune cookies, right? What are they? Telling the future? Witchcraft?” President Trump asked the assembled reporters. “Who has ever gotten a good fortune? Not me, certainly not me. All of them have been nasty.”

President Trump proceeded to read off a few fortunes from his prepared notes.
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Professional Lick Tag League To Debut Friday

Juicy Units left tongue tackle Bo Jones shows his game face

( Those seriously jonesing for some professional sports action during self-isolation will be in luck on Friday with the debut of a brand-new professional sport: lick tag. The first game of the American Professional Lick Tag League will take place in Tulsa Friday night when the Tulsa Trump-Tonguers take on the Colorado Springs Slobber Monsters.

According to Trump-Tonguers’ owner Terri Duvall, what started out as a joke has quickly become a serious and pivotal element of the new Dying To Work movement.

“A bunch of us fellers were getting together every night to head down to the courthouse and do our God-given protesting,” says Duvall. “In addition to dancing with our guns, owning the libs, and just overall yelling in people’s faces and shit, we would also joke around. You know: ‘I’m going to touch you, no, I’m going to touch you more. Well, I’m going to lick you, ooo, I lick you back.’ And I was like, ‘Hmm, fellers, I got an idea!’”
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“Rotting Burger,” Other U.S. Cultural Sites Brace For Iran’s Wrath

( President Trump’s threats over the weekend to attack Iranian cultural sites did not go unnoticed in the Middle Eastern country. Tehran on Wednesday released its own list of U.S. cultural sites that it says it will destroy if the current escalation continues.

“If the Americans wish to try and destroy our very essence, theirs will not be far behind,” says Afshin Duhbandi, a spokesman for the Iranian Antiquities Department.

While U.S. administration officials are downplaying the threats, they are resonating on local levels.

“I’ve been visiting the Rotting Burger for thirty years, and now I’m guarding it with my very life,” says John Miller, a member of the World’s Largest Cheeseburger Protection Squad. The Squad was hastily formed late Wednesday to provide security for the Sevetville, Iowa World’s Largest Cheeseburger, or what locals affectionately call the “Rotting Burger.”
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