Americana

Trump Taps Wild-West Tech to Tackle Postal Woes

(PenrosePapers.com) The growing body of stories concerning Trump-created postal slowdowns is appearing to have an effect. At Thursday’s coronavirus press conference, the president announced plans to save the Postal Service by re-introducing part of its past.

“The Postal Service, not good, not good. And not my fault, by the way. It’s certainly not what it used to be, back in the days when horse and rider delivered electronics, Publisher’s Clearinghouse entrees, and boobie magazines in plain, brown, wrappers,” the president told the gathered press.

It took another 10 minutes of rambling train of thought before what was being proposed finally became clear: President Trump was relaunching the Pony Express. Continue reading

Trump Administration Mulls Fortune Cookie Ban

(PenrosePapers.com) The trade war between the United States and China entered new territory on Tuesday when it was revealed that the U.S. was considering a ban on Chinese fortune cookies.

The news came during an impromptu press conference held during a tour of the South Carolina-based Big Jim’s Confederate Flag Factory, which rolled out the welcome mat for both the President and Vice President.

“Fortune cookies, right? What are they? Telling the future? Witchcraft?” President Trump asked the assembled reporters. “Who has ever gotten a good fortune? Not me, certainly not me. All of them have been nasty.”

President Trump proceeded to read off a few fortunes from his prepared notes.
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Live: Spoke to aviation minister, need time to resume flights, Uddhav saysReport this post

Live: Spoke to aviation minister, need time to resume flights, Uddhav saysThe Total choice of coronavirus instances in India has now risen to 1,31,868, together with 73,560 ener...

Admiralty Act prevails over Companies Act holds Bombay HC; Ship crew’s wages top priority in claimsReport this post

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Xiaomi patents a foldable smartphone with a clamshell displayReport this post

Xiaomi patents a foldable smartphone with a clamshell displayXiaomi is getting ready to introduce its folding smartphone in the second one part of 2020. The foldable telephone w...

Professional Lick Tag League To Debut Friday

Juicy Units left tongue tackle Bo Jones shows his game face

(PenrosePapers.com) Those seriously jonesing for some professional sports action during self-isolation will be in luck on Friday with the debut of a brand-new professional sport: lick tag. The first game of the American Professional Lick Tag League will take place in Tulsa Friday night when the Tulsa Trump-Tonguers take on the Colorado Springs Slobber Monsters.

According to Trump-Tonguers’ owner Terri Duvall, what started out as a joke has quickly become a serious and pivotal element of the new Dying To Work movement.

“A bunch of us fellers were getting together every night to head down to the courthouse and do our God-given protesting,” says Duvall. “In addition to dancing with our guns, owning the libs, and just overall yelling in people’s faces and shit, we would also joke around. You know: ‘I’m going to touch you, no, I’m going to touch you more. Well, I’m going to lick you, ooo, I lick you back.’ And I was like, ‘Hmm, fellers, I got an idea!’”
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“Rotting Burger,” Other U.S. Cultural Sites Brace For Iran’s Wrath

(PenrosePapers.com) President Trump’s threats over the weekend to attack Iranian cultural sites did not go unnoticed in the Middle Eastern country. Tehran on Wednesday released its own list of U.S. cultural sites that it says it will destroy if the current escalation continues.

“If the Americans wish to try and destroy our very essence, theirs will not be far behind,” says Afshin Duhbandi, a spokesman for the Iranian Antiquities Department.

While U.S. administration officials are downplaying the threats, they are resonating on local levels.

“I’ve been visiting the Rotting Burger for thirty years, and now I’m guarding it with my very life,” says John Miller, a member of the World’s Largest Cheeseburger Protection Squad. The Squad was hastily formed late Wednesday to provide security for the Sevetville, Iowa World’s Largest Cheeseburger, or what locals affectionately call the “Rotting Burger.”
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