Business & Money

Trump To Launch Signature Mask Line

( People are used to being shocked by what comes out of President Trump’s Twitter account. Still, it was a bit of a surprise when a picture of the president sporting a mask and calling the wearing of it patriotic lit up the Twitterverse on Monday.

Within less than 24 hours, the reason for such an abrupt change of heart became obvious, as revealed in a series of early morning Trump tweets.

“Now, exclusively, from YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT, the best masks, absolutely the best, that you will ever wear, ever buy. BARR NONE,” President Trump tweeted at 3:13.

“Layers of cloth, approved by my own task force’s own DR. BLIX, with a layer of bleach soaked – like I said – stuff. Kills everything. Everything.” Continue reading

Trump Administration Mulls Fortune Cookie Ban

( The trade war between the United States and China entered new territory on Tuesday when it was revealed that the U.S. was considering a ban on Chinese fortune cookies.

The news came during an impromptu press conference held during a tour of the South Carolina-based Big Jim’s Confederate Flag Factory, which rolled out the welcome mat for both the President and Vice President.

“Fortune cookies, right? What are they? Telling the future? Witchcraft?” President Trump asked the assembled reporters. “Who has ever gotten a good fortune? Not me, certainly not me. All of them have been nasty.”

President Trump proceeded to read off a few fortunes from his prepared notes.
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Georgia Federation of Mortuary Workers Files Suit Against State, Kemp

( With Georgia all set to become the first state to reopen large sections of its economy, one group is signaling its displeasure with the decision via a lawsuit.

“We are opposed to some industries being reopened, particularly with the ongoing coronavirus threat,” says Spiro Dunleavy, President of the Federation of Georgia Mortuary Workers (Union 10-100). “In particular, hair salons, nail salons, beauty parlors… that’s our wheel well. Go get a perm and a manicure and two weeks later wind up on one of our tables… what’s left to do?

“Don’t get me wrong: we appreciate the business,” Dunleavy says. “Just don’t cut into our profit margin, O.K.?”
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Mini-Airplanes Seen as Cure for Pandemic Economic Pain

( With the coronavirus crippling large sections of the United States and thrusting much of its population into economic uncertainty, the Trump administration has been under increasing pressure to ease voters’ worries. While plans such as $1000 checks, tax cuts, and other stimulus proposals have generated some support, one audacious effort has become a surprising favorite of many politicians, regardless of party.

“What was it: a chicken in every pot? Well, now we’re looking at an airplane in every garage,” says a source close to the program that is proving popular with both Democrats and Republicans. The 2020 Mini Personal Airplane Recovery Act would seek to do what just a year ago would have seemed impossible: give a small airplane to every adult in America.

“It sounds demented, but there are actually a variety of benefits of such a program,” says The Penrose Papers’ Economics Editor Ted “Pudge” Pudgkowski.
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$2 Billion Bill With Trump Likeness Launching Soon

( For the first time since the mid-2019 scrapping/postponement of the Harriet Tubman $20 bill, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing has revealed that they are planning to alter the nation’s currency. And for the first time ever, they will be honoring a sitting president.

“Ladies and gentleman, the Donald J. Trump $2 billion bill,” said Bureau Spokeswoman Glenda Edmunds as curtains slowly swept open behind her. What they revealed was an oversized bill with a large grinning President Trump at its center. “Make American Grate Again” was spelled out across the bottom, while across the top was the “Two Billion $$$$$$$$$$” domination indicator.


“I know, I’m not a moron like you people,” Spokeswoman Edmunds snapped, her utterance virtually assuring her a presidential promotion. “It will be fixed when we print up a few million of these. That work for you?”

The President’s Pleasure

When asked by reporters about the new bill during an impromptu press junket on the 7th green at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf course, President Trump was his usual humble self.
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