Elections

Trump to Depart DC in Golf Cart One

(PenrosePapers.com) President Trump has long bucked tradition when it comes to the various day-to-day routines of the presidency, and his last departure as president from the White House on Wednesday will be no different. Instead of a presidential helicopter, limousine motorcade, or armored column, President Trump has chosen to depart via golf cart.

“It’s a last sort of F.U. to President-elect Biden,” one aide acknowledged as he stuffed boxes and artwork into his Hyundai Monday. “This way he won’t have to ask Biden to borrow presidential cars or planes. It also is a nod to his legacy. Some of his finest accomplishments happened on the golf course, like that one time in ’18 where he wedged a 23-foot shot out of the bunker and sunk it.

“Oh, you haven’t heard about that? Lucky fucking you.” Continue reading

Trump Taps Wild-West Tech to Tackle Postal Woes

(PenrosePapers.com) The growing body of stories concerning Trump-created postal slowdowns is appearing to have an effect. At Thursday’s coronavirus press conference, the president announced plans to save the Postal Service by re-introducing part of its past.

“The Postal Service, not good, not good. And not my fault, by the way. It’s certainly not what it used to be, back in the days when horse and rider delivered electronics, Publisher’s Clearinghouse entrees, and boobie magazines in plain, brown, wrappers,” the president told the gathered press.

It took another 10 minutes of rambling train of thought before what was being proposed finally became clear: President Trump was relaunching the Pony Express. Continue reading

White House Contemplates Nationalizing Polling Data

(PenrosePapers.com) With 3 ½ months to go before the presidential election and a new political operative in charge of President Trump’s re-election campaign, The White House on Thursday signaled that it was giving serious thought to the way that presidential polling is conducted.

In a series of closed-door meetings with congressional allies and federal department heads, the Trump administration has proposed the creation of a Department of American Polling Standardization. Acting “Czar” Tabatha Hilton says the job of DOAPS will be to ensure fairness in the polling process.

“Rasmussen, Monmouth, Civiqs, polls run by universities and media outlets… There is a ton of presidential polling done every year, and it’s all over the map in terms of numbers,” says Czar Hilton. She holds up a piece of paper and stabs at it with a finely manicured finger.

“Look at just the past three weeks: Biden by 9, Biden by 15, Biden by 12, Biden by 10, Biden by 12, Biden by 8, Biden by 13, Biden by 13, Biden by 14… all over the place, right? How in the world is that fair to the American people? How can anyone get a sense of the race with numbers that varied? I mean, come on,” Czar Hilton says, a note of disgust creeping into her voice. Continue reading

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