Health

Rand Paul Lands Anal Health Monthly Honor

(PenrosePapers.com) Add “Asshole of the Year” to Rand Paul’s collection of dubious achievements. The Kentucky senator was chosen by Anal Health Monthly’s subscriber base as their 2021 Asshole of the Year.

Where past years have seen close contests – Mitch McConnell won in 2020, barely beating out President Donald Trump, AG William Barr, and several Republican governors – Paul was the overwhelming favorite of this year’s voters.

“With Rand Paul, it’s a little bit of everything,” says AHM’s Senior Editor Brad Sailor. “It’s voting against legislation for the poor, or coronavirus, purely for political grandstanding purposes. It’s his attacks on women, the transgendered. Or holding up an anti-lynching bill, and being an anti-vaxxer and a doctor in the midst of a pandemic. Continue reading

Health Professionals Issue COVID-19 Warning: Avoid Republicans!

(PenrosePapers.com) Since the early days of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, the National Association of Practicing Virologists has been leading the charge on preventative measures. One of the first organizations to advocate for universal mask wearing, they have also been steady in their recommendations concerning hand washing, personal space issues, and crowd avoidance.

On Thursday, they announced their latest virus-avoidance recommendation.

Avoid Republicans. Continue reading

Trump To Share Task Force Press Stage With Fauci, Einstein, Jesus Puppets

(PenrosePapers.com) Coming off a week of solo coronavirus press conferences where President Trump largely stayed on message and didn’t delve too far into conspiracy theories, media altercations, or quasi-deranged aberrant trains-of-thought, White House aides were cautiously optimistic that their boss had found a semi-presidential milieu that would stop his polling skid.

Then we hit a week of demon sperm, hydroxychloroquine-love, irritability, and #NobodyLikesMe.

For White House aides, it was time for Plan B.

“He is incapable of staying on message, so we need some way to pull him back on,” says one source close to the coronavirus task force. He insisted on anonymity, but says we could call him “Bob.”

“We thought about musical acts during the daily task force press meetings, special guests, animal tricks, maybe a Trump Top 10 list. In the end, we felt we really needed to go with the puppets.” Continue reading

Trump To Launch Signature Mask Line

(PenrosePapers.com) People are used to being shocked by what comes out of President Trump’s Twitter account. Still, it was a bit of a surprise when a picture of the president sporting a mask and calling the wearing of it patriotic lit up the Twitterverse on Monday.

Within less than 24 hours, the reason for such an abrupt change of heart became obvious, as revealed in a series of early morning Trump tweets.

“Now, exclusively, from YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT, the best masks, absolutely the best, that you will ever wear, ever buy. BARR NONE,” President Trump tweeted at 3:13.

“Layers of cloth, approved by my own task force’s own DR. BLIX, with a layer of bleach soaked – like I said – stuff. Kills everything. Everything.” Continue reading

White House Digs Deep in Doctor Drawer for New Pandemic Point Man

(PenrosePapers.com) Tired of Dr. Anthony Fauci’s relentless truth-telling and gloomy outlook concerning the lingering pandemic, White House officials signaled this week that they were moving on and seeking to replace their COVID task force head. And how is the search going to replace the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases’ longtime director?

Not well.

“So, he does his usual thing… he knows the best doctors, only the best, blah blah blah,” says a source close to the pandemic task force. “And we’re like, great. Let’s make a list. And he’s like, after a pause for effect: ‘Dr. Welby.’” Continue reading

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