U.S. to Start Counting Each COVID-19 Fatality as Half a Death

( The COVID-19 death count in the United States is looking much, much better than it did a mere day ago. This comes after a Thursday decision by the newly-formed Asian Contagion Eradication Taskforce (ACET, pronounced “asset”) that would effectively count all deaths from the coronavirus as ½ a death.

“People with this Chinese flu are dying from pneumonia, respiratory failure, multiple organ failure, septic shock, hydroxychloroquine poisoning… just lots and lots of stuff,” says ACET Coordinator Josh Mayberry. “It just doesn’t seem fair that the Chinese flu should get all the blame.” Continue reading

Blue Who? U.S. Hails 35K COVID-19 Deaths

( As communities large and small drew together on Wednesday to commemorate the historic 100,000 U.S. deaths that have been attributed to COVID-19, the official White House take was a little different: not so fast.

Amidst media specials, vigils, and the reading of names of the dead, federal officials announced that it was adopting a new method of tabulating the dead which will result in far fewer U.S. casualties.

“It’s Democrat governors who are responsible for these deaths, not President Trump,” U.S. Undersecretary of Pandemic Matters Edwin DuMerit said at a Wednesday press conference. “Why should the federal government – and the Republicans for which it stands – bear the brunt of these deaths?” Continue reading

Administration to Combat Coronavirus With Equine Deportations

( Mere hours after being placed in charge of the emerging coronavirus pandemic, Vice President Mike Pence has come out swinging with a plan to cripple the virus before it has a chance to sweep across the United States. And like so many aspects of the Vice President’s life, the way to salvation was found through his faith.

“Vice President Pence spent several hours praying and listening to his Old Testament on Tape audio books, and now we have a plan,” says a source close to the V.P. “Praise American Jesus!”

Pence’s plan – tentatively titled “Giddy-Up & Gone” – involves the deportation of every horse – be it a Shetland, Morgan, or draft horse – from the continental United States.
Continue reading

Administration Mulls Coronavirus Senatorial Fact-Finding Tour

( As the Wuhan coronavirus continues to spread around the world, health officials in the U.S. have expressed frustration at the lack of information coming out of its country of origin, China. With 15 major Chinese cities are effectively on lock-down, officials from the CDC and other agencies say the virtual blackout involving 57 million people is making it difficult to get a grasp on this looming health crisis.

At a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new state-of-the-art debtor prison in Baltimore on Saturday, the president addressed this issue and promised swift action.

“My administration is going to be putting together a fact-finding tour, made up of some senators, some fine senators, to travel over there and look into this thing,” President Trump said. “They are a little busy right now with the witch hunt, which is a complete waste of time, but afterwards, we’ll be picking senators that we feel should be going.” Continue reading


Recent Tweets