Legal News

Future Ex-President Impeachment Schemes Fuel Latest GOP Schism

( Rand Paul wants a crack at Jimmy Carter.

For Ted Cruz, only JFK will do.

And Lindsey Graham – perhaps channeling a certain golfing buddy – thinks Clinton should be given a second go-round.

Even before Trump’s second impeachment has ended, a fresh schism has broken out in Republican Senate ranks over which past Democratic ex-President should be impeached first. And if history is any, uh… wait. What?

“Democrats have opened the door on this with their second impeachment of President Trump,” says one top Republican party official. “He’s not even presidenting anymore, right? So, what’s good for the rooster…” Continue reading

Georgia Federation of Mortuary Workers Files Suit Against State, Kemp

( With Georgia all set to become the first state to reopen large sections of its economy, one group is signaling its displeasure with the decision via a lawsuit.

“We are opposed to some industries being reopened, particularly with the ongoing coronavirus threat,” says Spiro Dunleavy, President of the Federation of Georgia Mortuary Workers (Union 10-100). “In particular, hair salons, nail salons, beauty parlors… that’s our wheel well. Go get a perm and a manicure and two weeks later wind up on one of our tables… what’s left to do?

“Don’t get me wrong: we appreciate the business,” Dunleavy says. “Just don’t cut into our profit margin, O.K.?”
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2020 Baby New Year Files Suit To Return to 2019 Womb

( For some people – particularly those for whom the daily news is an addiction they can’t resist – 2020 has been the kind of rough ride that they would just as soon get off, thank you very much.

Add to this list the 2020 Baby New Year.

In papers filed in a Manhattan courtroom on Friday, the 2020 Baby New Year – or Liam, as he wishes to be called – made clear his intentions to sue his way back into the 2019 womb. We caught up with Liam in a desolate New Jersey mall where the despondent teen was pounding energy drinks while watching a group of homeless busking teens.

“I didn’t ask for this, you know? Coronavirus, the flooding and wild fires and other climate change shit. Do you have any idea what it is like to be born into this?” Liam asked. He looks about 14, his clothing in style but already ill-fitting thanks to a recent accelerated growth spurt.

“And that’s the world out there. In this country alone,” he waves his hand, taking in the sparse shoppers and empty storefronts. “This country has a stock market on a roller coaster. A government more interested in embracing ignorance and pursuing petty gamesmanship than taking care of its people. Hate and xenophobia and greed and two old guys getting ready to square off in November to lead it that look worse than the decrepit year that I took over for. And that dude – Old 2019 – was a damn wreck!”
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