News From Washington

Rand Paul Lands Anal Health Monthly Honor

(PenrosePapers.com) Add “Asshole of the Year” to Rand Paul’s collection of dubious achievements. The Kentucky senator was chosen by Anal Health Monthly’s subscriber base as their 2021 Asshole of the Year.

Where past years have seen close contests – Mitch McConnell won in 2020, barely beating out President Donald Trump, AG William Barr, and several Republican governors – Paul was the overwhelming favorite of this year’s voters.

“With Rand Paul, it’s a little bit of everything,” says AHM’s Senior Editor Brad Sailor. “It’s voting against legislation for the poor, or coronavirus, purely for political grandstanding purposes. It’s his attacks on women, the transgendered. Or holding up an anti-lynching bill, and being an anti-vaxxer and a doctor in the midst of a pandemic. Continue reading

Clock Blocked: MTG Proposes Major Changes to DST

(PenrosePapers.com) When freshman Georgia Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene stood and approached the floor of the House on Wednesday, a collective bipartisan groan rippled through the chamber. But Greene’s intention wasn’t to call for yet another adjournment as she had over and over in recent days.

This time Representative Greene had legislation to propose.

Wearing a “Densa Trumps Mensa” mask and adopting a Dr. Suess-style rhyming cadence, Representative Greene proposed that Congress enact legislation to fix Daylight Savings Time. Unlike other bills before Congress that seek to stop the twice-yearly changing of clocks, however, Greene’s bill would take the U.S. in the opposite direction.

“Representative Greene essentially wants the U.S. to start changing their collective clocks every three weeks,” says someone close to the Georgia representative. “America is getting too complacent with the liberal status quo. Representative Greene feels we need to go back to an air of constant uncertainty when our country was truly great. You know, like the Trump years.”

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Trump to Depart DC in Golf Cart One

(PenrosePapers.com) President Trump has long bucked tradition when it comes to the various day-to-day routines of the presidency, and his last departure as president from the White House on Wednesday will be no different. Instead of a presidential helicopter, limousine motorcade, or armored column, President Trump has chosen to depart via golf cart.

“It’s a last sort of F.U. to President-elect Biden,” one aide acknowledged as he stuffed boxes and artwork into his Hyundai Monday. “This way he won’t have to ask Biden to borrow presidential cars or planes. It also is a nod to his legacy. Some of his finest accomplishments happened on the golf course, like that one time in ’18 where he wedged a 23-foot shot out of the bunker and sunk it.

“Oh, you haven’t heard about that? Lucky fucking you.” Continue reading

#BunkerBoy’s #babygate Is First Step Toward’s Trump’s Next Acquisition

(PenrosePapers.com) The 1.7 miles of black fencing that now makes up the official White House security zone was assumed to have been erected to deal with the peaceful demonstrations that have been raging in Washington over the past two weeks. In a PenrosePapers.com exclusive, we can now confirm that this fencing is actually the new border for the pending Trump Federal Greens Golf Course.

“It’s been in the planning stages for a while now. The protests have just given the administration the justification they needed to move forward,” says Amanda White, PenrosePapers.com Chief Sports Editor. “Trump Federal Greens is a done deal. All that remains is the question: how large will it be?”

Trump Federal Greens is expected to take up the entire 80 acres that make up the area known as The Ellipse. Independent course designers have admitted to PenrosePapers.com that this should be enough to squeeze in a seven-hole course.

It is assumed that President Trump will not accept this.
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White House: “Bunker Boy” Was Remodeling, Not Hiding

(PenrosePapers.com) A week after getting burnt on the Internet for spending an excessive amount of time in his official bunker while peaceful demonstrations raged outside the White House, President Trump’s team is floating another possibility for why the chief executive earned the moniker “Bunker Boy,” among other names.

Unlike past excuses, this one is not likely to meet with Trump’s approval.

“He’s redecorating the damn thing,” says one White House source.

As in, picking out new gun turrets and security features?

“No, as in we gave him a bunch of carpet fabric swatches and said, ‘Mr. President, we really need to do something about this ugly bunker, and it needs the Trump Touch!’”
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