Politics

Senate to Vote on Participation Trophies for All Americans

(PenrosePapers.com) While an increase in stimulus checks to $2000 seems all but dead in the Senate, progress was made Friday on a bill that would acknowledge American sacrifice and perseverance during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic.

The 2020 Donald J. Trump Participation Trophy Bill would award every U.S. citizen who survived the year with a luxurious faux-gold leaf trophy suitable for display on bookshelves, coffee tables, or homemade shrines.

“More lasting than money – which would just be spent – these trophies will be a solid testament to all those Americans who refused to give up their freedom despite hounding from the liberals and the press,” said a spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Proudly displaying your participation trophy will show that while you may not be quite winning, you certainly are not quite dead yet, either.” Continue reading

GOP Elephant to be Sacked in Convention “Surprise”

(PenrosePapers.com) Ever since Thomas Nast first used one in a political cartoon in 1874, the elephant has been the symbol of the Republican party. Sources close to the Trump administration say the president feels that 146 years is enough.

As one of the “surprises” the president was promising for his convention, he announced early Tuesday that the iconic GOP elephant would be dropped in favor of another imposing animal figure: the bear.

“From the Chicago Bears to that Smokey Bear that rakes forests to Yogi, the Yo Semite pic-a-nic basket bear, the bear is a symbol of GREATNESS,” President Trump tweeted in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. “An elephant may never forget, but a bear will eff you up so YOU never forget. MAGA!” Continue reading

Tulsa Trump Fans Prepare For Maximum Show of Normalcy Saturday. Oh, And They Might Be Naked.

(PenrosePapers.com) When conservatives show up at President Trump’s Tulsa rally on Saturday, masks may not be the only thing they’ll have to turn over to gain entrance.

“President Trump is looking to project strength and courage with this, his first rally in months,” says a White House aide who requested anonymity. “And he knows his followers will agree. As such, we may ask them to surrender their clothing at the Tulsa rally gates.”

The thinking seems to be that if cramming yourself into a room with 20,000 sweaty overweight Midwesterners without wearing a mask is a sign of courage and resolve, then doing it stark naked and really risking infection is going to supersize courage, and project an unending resolve.

“For my president, the missus and I surely will do that, yes sir,” says Pete, a retired construction worker from nearby Bushyhead, Oklahoma. “So long as naked means that my Gwendolyn can still get her walker and colonoscopy bag in the place, then we’ll be there with bells on.

“Well, assuming they allow bells, I guess.” Continue reading

Trump to Commemorate 1961 Civil Rights Ride With Series of Rallies

(PenrosePapers.com) It’s only been a couple of days since the Trump Administration announced that it would be resuming the President’s signature rallies in Tulsa. Some have expressed outrage that the rally would be held on the site of the Tulsa Race Massacre, AND on the anniversary of Juneteenth, the date the Emancipation Proclamation was first read to newly-freed slaves.

Despite this, President Trump has apparently gotten enough positive feedback to expand the rally into a series of events that will occur over the early weeks of July. Continue reading

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