Politics

Rand Paul Lands Anal Health Monthly Honor

(PenrosePapers.com) Add “Asshole of the Year” to Rand Paul’s collection of dubious achievements. The Kentucky senator was chosen by Anal Health Monthly’s subscriber base as their 2021 Asshole of the Year.

Where past years have seen close contests – Mitch McConnell won in 2020, barely beating out President Donald Trump, AG William Barr, and several Republican governors – Paul was the overwhelming favorite of this year’s voters.

“With Rand Paul, it’s a little bit of everything,” says AHM’s Senior Editor Brad Sailor. “It’s voting against legislation for the poor, or coronavirus, purely for political grandstanding purposes. It’s his attacks on women, the transgendered. Or holding up an anti-lynching bill, and being an anti-vaxxer and a doctor in the midst of a pandemic. Continue reading

Clock Blocked: MTG Proposes Major Changes to DST

(PenrosePapers.com) When freshman Georgia Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene stood and approached the floor of the House on Wednesday, a collective bipartisan groan rippled through the chamber. But Greene’s intention wasn’t to call for yet another adjournment as she had over and over in recent days.

This time Representative Greene had legislation to propose.

Wearing a “Densa Trumps Mensa” mask and adopting a Dr. Suess-style rhyming cadence, Representative Greene proposed that Congress enact legislation to fix Daylight Savings Time. Unlike other bills before Congress that seek to stop the twice-yearly changing of clocks, however, Greene’s bill would take the U.S. in the opposite direction.

“Representative Greene essentially wants the U.S. to start changing their collective clocks every three weeks,” says someone close to the Georgia representative. “America is getting too complacent with the liberal status quo. Representative Greene feels we need to go back to an air of constant uncertainty when our country was truly great. You know, like the Trump years.”

Continue reading

Future Ex-President Impeachment Schemes Fuel Latest GOP Schism

(PenrosePapers.com) Rand Paul wants a crack at Jimmy Carter.

For Ted Cruz, only JFK will do.

And Lindsey Graham – perhaps channeling a certain golfing buddy – thinks Clinton should be given a second go-round.

Even before Trump’s second impeachment has ended, a fresh schism has broken out in Republican Senate ranks over which past Democratic ex-President should be impeached first. And if history is any, uh… wait. What?

“Democrats have opened the door on this with their second impeachment of President Trump,” says one top Republican party official. “He’s not even presidenting anymore, right? So, what’s good for the rooster…” Continue reading

Trump to Depart DC in Golf Cart One

(PenrosePapers.com) President Trump has long bucked tradition when it comes to the various day-to-day routines of the presidency, and his last departure as president from the White House on Wednesday will be no different. Instead of a presidential helicopter, limousine motorcade, or armored column, President Trump has chosen to depart via golf cart.

“It’s a last sort of F.U. to President-elect Biden,” one aide acknowledged as he stuffed boxes and artwork into his Hyundai Monday. “This way he won’t have to ask Biden to borrow presidential cars or planes. It also is a nod to his legacy. Some of his finest accomplishments happened on the golf course, like that one time in ’18 where he wedged a 23-foot shot out of the bunker and sunk it.

“Oh, you haven’t heard about that? Lucky fucking you.” Continue reading

Senate to Vote on Participation Trophies for All Americans

(PenrosePapers.com) While an increase in stimulus checks to $2000 seems all but dead in the Senate, progress was made Friday on a bill that would acknowledge American sacrifice and perseverance during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic.

The 2020 Donald J. Trump Participation Trophy Bill would award every U.S. citizen who survived the year with a luxurious faux-gold leaf trophy suitable for display on bookshelves, coffee tables, or homemade shrines.

“More lasting than money – which would just be spent – these trophies will be a solid testament to all those Americans who refused to give up their freedom despite hounding from the liberals and the press,” said a spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Proudly displaying your participation trophy will show that while you may not be quite winning, you certainly are not quite dead yet, either.” Continue reading

FREE UPDATES

Recent Tweets