Trump To Share Task Force Press Stage With Fauci, Einstein, Jesus Puppets
(PenrosePapers.com) Coming off a week of solo coronavirus press conferences where President Trump largely stayed on message and didn’t delve too far into conspiracy theories, media altercations, or quasi-deranged aberrant trains-of-thought, White House aides were cautiously optimistic that their boss had found a semi-presidential milieu that would stop his polling skid.
Then we hit a week of demon sperm, hydroxychloroquine-love, irritability, and #NobodyLikesMe.
For White House aides, it was time for Plan B.
“He is incapable of staying on message, so we need some way to pull him back on,” says one source close to the coronavirus task force. He insisted on anonymity, but says we could call him “Bob.”
“We thought about musical acts during the daily task force press meetings, special guests, animal tricks, maybe a Trump Top 10 list. In the end, we felt we really needed to go with the puppets.” Continue reading
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Trump To Launch Signature Mask Line
(PenrosePapers.com) People are used to being shocked by what comes out of President Trump’s Twitter account. Still, it was a bit of a surprise when a picture of the president sporting a mask and calling the wearing of it patriotic lit up the Twitterverse on Monday.
Within less than 24 hours, the reason for such an abrupt change of heart became obvious, as revealed in a series of early morning Trump tweets.
“Now, exclusively, from YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT, the best masks, absolutely the best, that you will ever wear, ever buy. BARR NONE,” President Trump tweeted at 3:13.
“Layers of cloth, approved by my own task force’s own DR. BLIX, with a layer of bleach soaked – like I said – stuff. Kills everything. Everything.” Continue reading
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White House Contemplates Nationalizing Polling Data
(PenrosePapers.com) With 3 ½ months to go before the presidential election and a new political operative in charge of President Trump’s re-election campaign, The White House on Thursday signaled that it was giving serious thought to the way that presidential polling is conducted.
In a series of closed-door meetings with congressional allies and federal department heads, the Trump administration has proposed the creation of a Department of American Polling Standardization. Acting “Czar” Tabatha Hilton says the job of DOAPS will be to ensure fairness in the polling process.
“Rasmussen, Monmouth, Civiqs, polls run by universities and media outlets… There is a ton of presidential polling done every year, and it’s all over the map in terms of numbers,” says Czar Hilton. She holds up a piece of paper and stabs at it with a finely manicured finger.
“Look at just the past three weeks: Biden by 9, Biden by 15, Biden by 12, Biden by 10, Biden by 12, Biden by 8, Biden by 13, Biden by 13, Biden by 14… all over the place, right? How in the world is that fair to the American people? How can anyone get a sense of the race with numbers that varied? I mean, come on,” Czar Hilton says, a note of disgust creeping into her voice. Continue reading
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White House Digs Deep in Doctor Drawer for New Pandemic Point Man
(PenrosePapers.com) Tired of Dr. Anthony Fauci’s relentless truth-telling and gloomy outlook concerning the lingering pandemic, White House officials signaled this week that they were moving on and seeking to replace their COVID task force head. And how is the search going to replace the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases’ longtime director?
Not well.
“So, he does his usual thing… he knows the best doctors, only the best, blah blah blah,” says a source close to the pandemic task force. “And we’re like, great. Let’s make a list. And he’s like, after a pause for effect: ‘Dr. Welby.’” Continue reading
