Professional Lick Tag League To Debut Friday

Juicy Units left tongue tackle Bo Jones shows his game face

( Those seriously jonesing for some professional sports action during self-isolation will be in luck on Friday with the debut of a brand-new professional sport: lick tag. The first game of the American Professional Lick Tag League will take place in Tulsa Friday night when the Tulsa Trump-Tonguers take on the Colorado Springs Slobber Monsters.

According to Trump-Tonguers’ owner Terri Duvall, what started out as a joke has quickly become a serious and pivotal element of the new Dying To Work movement.

“A bunch of us fellers were getting together every night to head down to the courthouse and do our God-given protesting,” says Duvall. “In addition to dancing with our guns, owning the libs, and just overall yelling in people’s faces and shit, we would also joke around. You know: ‘I’m going to touch you, no, I’m going to touch you more. Well, I’m going to lick you, ooo, I lick you back.’ And I was like, ‘Hmm, fellers, I got an idea!’”

And thus was born lick tag. Eight teams from conservative strongholds such as Mesa, Virginia Beach, and Omaha will be competing in lick tag matches over the next two months. At stake will be a trip to the Dribble Bowl, which will feature the top two teams squaring off in Jacksonville, Florida on July 5th.

Tad Harlow, head coach for the Jacksonville Juicy Units, says the sport really should be seen – preferably in person – to get the full effect of it.

“It’s a bit like capture the flag, with elements of football and baseball thrown in… the very sports we’ve all been missing,” Harlow says from the dugout. He’s currently watching the Juicy Units – thirty slightly overweight yet energetic men – race around the field, their parched tongues lolling as they charge at and evade each other in preparation for their Saturday afternoon game.

“There’s nine innings like baseball, stretched over four quarters like football,” Harlow says. “There’s even a seventh inning stretch – or Seventh Inning Smooch, as we’re calling it – where everyone in the packed crowd has to kiss as many other folks as they can over the allotted 10 minutes. It’s not only fun for the fans, but it gives the players time to re-hydrate for the frenzied last innings of the game. Those can get pretty extreme!”

While a couple of governors have expressed concern over the league games and the throngs of fans they are likely to draw, league officials say they plan to hold all lick tag matches, regardless of push-back from local or state authorities. Ticket sales for most matches are available through local venues or through, and sales have reportedly been brisk. There have been some complaints, however, at the lack of season tickets for the league. As one fan – SlobbaMonstas4Life! – wrote on the /r/licktag subreddit: “Ticket lady tole me they couldn’t guarantee I’d be there for whole season, so no season tix. Sucks!”


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