“Rotting Burger,” Other U.S. Cultural Sites Brace For Iran’s Wrath

(PenrosePapers.com) President Trump’s threats over the weekend to attack Iranian cultural sites did not go unnoticed in the Middle Eastern country. Tehran on Wednesday released its own list of U.S. cultural sites that it says it will destroy if the current escalation continues.

“If the Americans wish to try and destroy our very essence, theirs will not be far behind,” says Afshin Duhbandi, a spokesman for the Iranian Antiquities Department.

While U.S. administration officials are downplaying the threats, they are resonating on local levels.

“I’ve been visiting the Rotting Burger for thirty years, and now I’m guarding it with my very life,” says John Miller, a member of the World’s Largest Cheeseburger Protection Squad. The Squad was hastily formed late Wednesday to provide security for the Sevetville, Iowa World’s Largest Cheeseburger, or what locals affectionately call the “Rotting Burger.”

“Time can’t kill the Rotting Burger, and I’ll be damned if some Iranian will,” says Miller. He shrugs off the time he’s giving to protect Sevetville’s cultural heritage.

“It don’t smell so bad in the winter,” Miller says.

Across the country, cultural sites that made the Iranian hit list are adding personnel, fencing, and other security measures. Carhenge, the 38-car Stonehenge replica in Alliance, Nebraska, has installed airbags around the exhibit in case some Iran national tries to demolition derby it. Cottonwood, Idaho has built an oversized doghouse over its World’s Biggest Beagle inn to hide it from drone strikes. And the World’s Largest Ball of Twine in Cawker City, Kansas has built up barriers to keep Iranian jihadists from unwinding their unique tourist-drawing treasure.

“The World Largest Pistachio (New Mexico), The Mothman Statue (West Virginia), The Big Blue Bug (Rhode Island), The World’s Largest Six Pack (Wisconsin)… these are true American landmarks,” says White House Homeland Cultural Director Franklin “Pecker” Hugues. “What did we threaten: a cave? An old eroded statue? Some dumb church?

“Shame on the Iranians,” Hughes says. “Why, I’d like to put The World’s Largest Boot (Minnesota) right up their collective asses!”


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