GOP Elephant to be Sacked in Convention “Surprise”

( Ever since Thomas Nast first used one in a political cartoon in 1874, the elephant has been the symbol of the Republican party. Sources close to the Trump administration say the president feels that 146 years is enough.

As one of the “surprises” the president was promising for his convention, he announced early Tuesday that the iconic GOP elephant would be dropped in favor of another imposing animal figure: the bear.

“From the Chicago Bears to that Smokey Bear that rakes forests to Yogi, the Yo Semite pic-a-nic basket bear, the bear is a symbol of GREATNESS,” President Trump tweeted in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. “An elephant may never forget, but a bear will eff you up so YOU never forget. MAGA!” Continue reading

White House Digs Deep in Doctor Drawer for New Pandemic Point Man

( Tired of Dr. Anthony Fauci’s relentless truth-telling and gloomy outlook concerning the lingering pandemic, White House officials signaled this week that they were moving on and seeking to replace their COVID task force head. And how is the search going to replace the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases’ longtime director?

Not well.

“So, he does his usual thing… he knows the best doctors, only the best, blah blah blah,” says a source close to the pandemic task force. “And we’re like, great. Let’s make a list. And he’s like, after a pause for effect: ‘Dr. Welby.’” Continue reading

Trump Administration Mulls Fortune Cookie Ban

( The trade war between the United States and China entered new territory on Tuesday when it was revealed that the U.S. was considering a ban on Chinese fortune cookies.

The news came during an impromptu press conference held during a tour of the South Carolina-based Big Jim’s Confederate Flag Factory, which rolled out the welcome mat for both the President and Vice President.

“Fortune cookies, right? What are they? Telling the future? Witchcraft?” President Trump asked the assembled reporters. “Who has ever gotten a good fortune? Not me, certainly not me. All of them have been nasty.”

President Trump proceeded to read off a few fortunes from his prepared notes.
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Administration to Combat Coronavirus With Equine Deportations

( Mere hours after being placed in charge of the emerging coronavirus pandemic, Vice President Mike Pence has come out swinging with a plan to cripple the virus before it has a chance to sweep across the United States. And like so many aspects of the Vice President’s life, the way to salvation was found through his faith.

“Vice President Pence spent several hours praying and listening to his Old Testament on Tape audio books, and now we have a plan,” says a source close to the V.P. “Praise American Jesus!”

Pence’s plan – tentatively titled “Giddy-Up & Gone” – involves the deportation of every horse – be it a Shetland, Morgan, or draft horse – from the continental United States.
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Trump Pulls Pardons – Turkeys to be Terminated

( Details are slowly emerging about a new potential strategy for trying to reign in Turkish excesses in Syria. The first hint of this strategy leaked out of Thursday’s weekly emergency cabinet meeting at the White House.

“We were going around the table like we always do, trying to come up with new nicknames for Adam Schiff,” says a staffer who witnessed the meeting. “I think AG Barr had ‘schiffhead,’ and Secretary Chao came up with ‘stick schiff’. It stalled out some when Vice President Pence hit the Google to trying to find something clever.

“15 minutes went by – Pence reading, his lips moving slowly; everyone else trying to pretend not to peek at their watches – when President Trump all of a sudden looked up from his phone, his face red, a wheezing scream choking out of his throat.”

Whatever was on Trump’s phone – some speculate that it was a selfie of Turkish President Erdogan with a new despotic bestie – it quickly derailed the meeting.
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