Rand Paul

Rand Paul Lands Anal Health Monthly Honor

(PenrosePapers.com) Add “Asshole of the Year” to Rand Paul’s collection of dubious achievements. The Kentucky senator was chosen by Anal Health Monthly’s subscriber base as their 2021 Asshole of the Year.

Where past years have seen close contests – Mitch McConnell won in 2020, barely beating out President Donald Trump, AG William Barr, and several Republican governors – Paul was the overwhelming favorite of this year’s voters.

“With Rand Paul, it’s a little bit of everything,” says AHM’s Senior Editor Brad Sailor. “It’s voting against legislation for the poor, or coronavirus, purely for political grandstanding purposes. It’s his attacks on women, the transgendered. Or holding up an anti-lynching bill, and being an anti-vaxxer and a doctor in the midst of a pandemic. Continue reading

Future Ex-President Impeachment Schemes Fuel Latest GOP Schism

(PenrosePapers.com) Rand Paul wants a crack at Jimmy Carter.

For Ted Cruz, only JFK will do.

And Lindsey Graham – perhaps channeling a certain golfing buddy – thinks Clinton should be given a second go-round.

Even before Trump’s second impeachment has ended, a fresh schism has broken out in Republican Senate ranks over which past Democratic ex-President should be impeached first. And if history is any, uh… wait. What?

“Democrats have opened the door on this with their second impeachment of President Trump,” says one top Republican party official. “He’s not even presidenting anymore, right? So, what’s good for the rooster…” Continue reading

Rand Paul Accused of Morse-Blinking Whistleblowers Name During SOTU

(PenrosePapers.com) At about the 55 minutes mark of President Trump’s Tuesday night State of the Union address, Capitol Security Officer Leonard Greene grew concerned.

“I looked over and honestly, I thought the man was having a fit or a stroke or something,” Greene recalls. “He’d be all normal like, and then every few minutes when the camera was on him his face would kind of scrunch up and turn all red, and he’d be blinking like a crazy man.”

The “man” in question was Senator Rand Paul, and staffers and others present at the speech are claiming that his spastic fits were actually an attempt to enter the Ukrainian “perfect call” whistleblower’s name into the Congressional record by blinking it in Morse code.

“Oh, it was Morse code,” says one witness to the event who wishes to remain, ironically, anonymous. “I served in Iraq, and before that I got my ham radio merit badge. I know my code.

“He kept changing it up, you know?” the witness says. “Both eyes blinking longs and shorts, then one eye blinking the longs, while the other was blinking the shorts. It was actually pretty impressive, but it must have given him one hell of a headache.”
Continue reading

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