The Bunker

Trump To Share Task Force Press Stage With Fauci, Einstein, Jesus Puppets

( Coming off a week of solo coronavirus press conferences where President Trump largely stayed on message and didn’t delve too far into conspiracy theories, media altercations, or quasi-deranged aberrant trains-of-thought, White House aides were cautiously optimistic that their boss had found a semi-presidential milieu that would stop his polling skid.

Then we hit a week of demon sperm, hydroxychloroquine-love, irritability, and #NobodyLikesMe.

For White House aides, it was time for Plan B.

“He is incapable of staying on message, so we need some way to pull him back on,” says one source close to the coronavirus task force. He insisted on anonymity, but says we could call him “Bob.”

“We thought about musical acts during the daily task force press meetings, special guests, animal tricks, maybe a Trump Top 10 list. In the end, we felt we really needed to go with the puppets.” Continue reading

White House: “Bunker Boy” Was Remodeling, Not Hiding

( A week after getting burnt on the Internet for spending an excessive amount of time in his official bunker while peaceful demonstrations raged outside the White House, President Trump’s team is floating another possibility for why the chief executive earned the moniker “Bunker Boy,” among other names.

Unlike past excuses, this one is not likely to meet with Trump’s approval.

“He’s redecorating the damn thing,” says one White House source.

As in, picking out new gun turrets and security features?

“No, as in we gave him a bunch of carpet fabric swatches and said, ‘Mr. President, we really need to do something about this ugly bunker, and it needs the Trump Touch!’”
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