Trump

It is what it is.

Trump To Share Task Force Press Stage With Fauci, Einstein, Jesus Puppets

(PenrosePapers.com) Coming off a week of solo coronavirus press conferences where President Trump largely stayed on message and didn’t delve too far into conspiracy theories, media altercations, or quasi-deranged aberrant trains-of-thought, White House aides were cautiously optimistic that their boss had found a semi-presidential milieu that would stop his polling skid.

Then we hit a week of demon sperm, hydroxychloroquine-love, irritability, and #NobodyLikesMe.

For White House aides, it was time for Plan B.

“He is incapable of staying on message, so we need some way to pull him back on,” says one source close to the coronavirus task force. He insisted on anonymity, but says we could call him “Bob.”

“We thought about musical acts during the daily task force press meetings, special guests, animal tricks, maybe a Trump Top 10 list. In the end, we felt we really needed to go with the puppets.” Continue reading

Trump To Launch Signature Mask Line

(PenrosePapers.com) People are used to being shocked by what comes out of President Trump’s Twitter account. Still, it was a bit of a surprise when a picture of the president sporting a mask and calling the wearing of it patriotic lit up the Twitterverse on Monday.

Within less than 24 hours, the reason for such an abrupt change of heart became obvious, as revealed in a series of early morning Trump tweets.

“Now, exclusively, from YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT, the best masks, absolutely the best, that you will ever wear, ever buy. BARR NONE,” President Trump tweeted at 3:13.

“Layers of cloth, approved by my own task force’s own DR. BLIX, with a layer of bleach soaked – like I said – stuff. Kills everything. Everything.” Continue reading

White House Digs Deep in Doctor Drawer for New Pandemic Point Man

(PenrosePapers.com) Tired of Dr. Anthony Fauci’s relentless truth-telling and gloomy outlook concerning the lingering pandemic, White House officials signaled this week that they were moving on and seeking to replace their COVID task force head. And how is the search going to replace the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases’ longtime director?

Not well.

“So, he does his usual thing… he knows the best doctors, only the best, blah blah blah,” says a source close to the pandemic task force. “And we’re like, great. Let’s make a list. And he’s like, after a pause for effect: ‘Dr. Welby.’” Continue reading

Trump Administration Mulls Fortune Cookie Ban

(PenrosePapers.com) The trade war between the United States and China entered new territory on Tuesday when it was revealed that the U.S. was considering a ban on Chinese fortune cookies.

The news came during an impromptu press conference held during a tour of the South Carolina-based Big Jim’s Confederate Flag Factory, which rolled out the welcome mat for both the President and Vice President.

“Fortune cookies, right? What are they? Telling the future? Witchcraft?” President Trump asked the assembled reporters. “Who has ever gotten a good fortune? Not me, certainly not me. All of them have been nasty.”

President Trump proceeded to read off a few fortunes from his prepared notes.
Continue reading

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