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Trump Taps Wild-West Tech to Tackle Postal Woes

(PenrosePapers.com) The growing body of stories concerning Trump-created postal slowdowns is appearing to have an effect. At Thursday’s coronavirus press conference, the president announced plans to save the Postal Service by re-introducing part of its past.

“The Postal Service, not good, not good. And not my fault, by the way. It’s certainly not what it used to be, back in the days when horse and rider delivered electronics, Publisher’s Clearinghouse entrees, and boobie magazines in plain, brown, wrappers,” the president told the gathered press.

It took another 10 minutes of rambling train of thought before what was being proposed finally became clear: President Trump was relaunching the Pony Express. Continue reading

White House Contemplates Nationalizing Polling Data

(PenrosePapers.com) With 3 ½ months to go before the presidential election and a new political operative in charge of President Trump’s re-election campaign, The White House on Thursday signaled that it was giving serious thought to the way that presidential polling is conducted.

In a series of closed-door meetings with congressional allies and federal department heads, the Trump administration has proposed the creation of a Department of American Polling Standardization. Acting “Czar” Tabatha Hilton says the job of DOAPS will be to ensure fairness in the polling process.

“Rasmussen, Monmouth, Civiqs, polls run by universities and media outlets… There is a ton of presidential polling done every year, and it’s all over the map in terms of numbers,” says Czar Hilton. She holds up a piece of paper and stabs at it with a finely manicured finger.

“Look at just the past three weeks: Biden by 9, Biden by 15, Biden by 12, Biden by 10, Biden by 12, Biden by 8, Biden by 13, Biden by 13, Biden by 14… all over the place, right? How in the world is that fair to the American people? How can anyone get a sense of the race with numbers that varied? I mean, come on,” Czar Hilton says, a note of disgust creeping into her voice. Continue reading

Cyclone Amphan: NDRF teams working round the clock to restore normalcy in West BengalReport this post

Cyclone Amphan: NDRF teams working round the clock to restore normalcy in West BengalOver 80 people died and lakhs have been rendered homeless as cyclone Amphan reduce a trail o...

Realme 6 Pro, X2 get May 2020 security patch, DocVault, and more in the latest updateReport this post

Realme 6 Pro, X2 get May 2020 security patch, DocVault, and more in the latest updateSmartphone maker Realme has simply rolled out new device updates tow of its gadgets in the m...

U.S. to Start Counting Each COVID-19 Fatality as Half a Death

(PenrosePapers.com) The COVID-19 death count in the United States is looking much, much better than it did a mere day ago. This comes after a Thursday decision by the newly-formed Asian Contagion Eradication Taskforce (ACET, pronounced “asset”) that would effectively count all deaths from the coronavirus as ½ a death.

“People with this Chinese flu are dying from pneumonia, respiratory failure, multiple organ failure, septic shock, hydroxychloroquine poisoning… just lots and lots of stuff,” says ACET Coordinator Josh Mayberry. “It just doesn’t seem fair that the Chinese flu should get all the blame.” Continue reading

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