Trump Administration Mulls Fortune Cookie Ban

( The trade war between the United States and China entered new territory on Tuesday when it was revealed that the U.S. was considering a ban on Chinese fortune cookies.

The news came during an impromptu press conference held during a tour of the South Carolina-based Big Jim’s Confederate Flag Factory, which rolled out the welcome mat for both the President and Vice President.

“Fortune cookies, right? What are they? Telling the future? Witchcraft?” President Trump asked the assembled reporters. “Who has ever gotten a good fortune? Not me, certainly not me. All of them have been nasty.”

President Trump proceeded to read off a few fortunes from his prepared notes.

“’An act of kindness is worth more than all the money in the world.’ Wrong. That’s communist, Antifa propaganda.

“’Hillary will be president.’ Wrong.

“’1% of you will get really sick and give the loser Democrats something to run on.’ OK, that was actually a Chinese virus fortune.

“’No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.’ Uh, I might actually agree with that one, I think. Maybe.

The President next pulled a little plastic toy from his pocket and held it aloft.

“Fortune cookies… we may ban them. We may. We don’t need them. But this, this is good. This is an American toy that I get with my Happy Meals. It doesn’t try to tell me the future, it just makes me happy, this little… what the hell is this again?” President Trump asked an aide.

“My Little Pony,” the aid stage-whispered.

“My Pretty Horsie, yes, and it is, isn’t it?” President Trump flipped the toy upside down and held it at arm’s length, squinting. “And this is about as American as it… ‘Made in…’ Uh… Let’s continue with the tour of this very fine, patriotic factory. Big Jim?”

The tour concluded in the factory’s gift shop, where the press were all given little commemorative flags embossed with Make America South Supreme Again logos.


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