Trump: “It Was a Perfect Bribe”

( After a week of damning testimony from former Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and other State Department officials, President Trump has apparently fallen back to a more defensible position. A series of tweets on early Saturday admitted to offering Ukrainian President Vlodymyr Zelensky a bribe for dirt on political opponent Joe Biden.

To paraphrase Warren Zevon, however, his bribe… was perfect.

“Did I do it? Yes I did it, but you know what, I did it PERFECTLY!” Trump tweeted out early Saturday. “It wasn’t a half-assed bribe. It was full-assed, folks. Well EXECUTED, just the RIGHT AMOUNT, and delivered PERFECTLY by your favorite President.”

Administration officials quickly flew into damage control mode, issuing clarifications – some physically wrapped in resumes – to various news outlets. The gist of it? The constitution doesn’t make any allowance for a “perfect bribe.”

“It actually says ‘petty bribery’ in the constitution,” one anonymous staffer claimed. “Nothing about ‘perfect bribery’ anywhere, so where’s the crime?”

Penrose Papers Internet Search Guru Stu Moreno says that just isn’t true.

“According to Google – the official search engine at The Penrose Papers – the constitution states that ‘The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other High crimes and Misdemeanors.’

“So, no ‘petty’ anywhere, although to be fair, no ‘perfect’ either,” says Guru Moreno.

Republican congressional staffers are already gearing up to wheel out their “perfect bribe” defense in upcoming hearings. Meanwhile, someone on Saturday morning started purchasing a variety of Internet domains that seem to suggest an expansion of this “perfect” line of defense may be in the works. Domains such as,, and were all snatched up within an hour of the president’s perfect bribe tweet.


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