Trump Pulls Pardons – Turkeys to be Terminated

( Details are slowly emerging about a new potential strategy for trying to reign in Turkish excesses in Syria. The first hint of this strategy leaked out of Thursday’s weekly emergency cabinet meeting at the White House.

“We were going around the table like we always do, trying to come up with new nicknames for Adam Schiff,” says a staffer who witnessed the meeting. “I think AG Barr had ‘schiffhead,’ and Secretary Chao came up with ‘stick schiff’. It stalled out some when Vice President Pence hit the Google to trying to find something clever.

“15 minutes went by – Pence reading, his lips moving slowly; everyone else trying to pretend not to peek at their watches – when President Trump all of a sudden looked up from his phone, his face red, a wheezing scream choking out of his throat.”

Whatever was on Trump’s phone – some speculate that it was a selfie of Turkish President Erdogan with a new despotic bestie – it quickly derailed the meeting.

“President Trump, livid, said, ‘I’m not pardoning them this year. No. Not pardoning. I’m going to kill them, in the Rose Garden. Big ceremony, biggest. And not just one turkey, or two, but a whole flucking fock’,” the staffer says.

“He looked around the table, and everyone started nodding like it was the best idea they had ever heard. Trump said, ‘You get a turkey, Mikey, and you Eugene, and Pompie. And you get a turkey, and you get a turkey… everyone gets turkeys! Because I am going to nuke. Every. Damn. Turkey. In my realm’,” the staffer says. “And then he just sort of wandered off, like he does. Meeting adjourned.” Political Analyst Eugene Bravo says this latest development makes a certain sense.

“Whenever Turkey pops into President Trump’s head, it’s never good. Someone is going to get slaughtered. First it was the Kurds, now it’s the turkeys,” Bravo says. “If you’re looking for a silver lining, at least we weren’t allied with the turkeys. Sooooooo… progress?”

In related news, the United Federation of Turkey Pluckers announced Friday that their 2020 convention would be held at the beautiful Trump International Hotel in Washington, DC.

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