(PenrosePapers.com) Coming off a week of solo coronavirus press conferences where President Trump largely stayed on message and didn’t delve too far into conspiracy theories, media altercations, or quasi-deranged aberrant trains-of-thought, White House aides were cautiously optimistic that their boss had found a semi-presidential milieu that would stop his polling skid.
Then we hit a week of demon sperm, hydroxychloroquine-love, irritability, and #NobodyLikesMe.
For White House aides, it was time for Plan B.
“He is incapable of staying on message, so we need some way to pull him back on,” says one source close to the coronavirus task force. He insisted on anonymity, but says we could call him “Bob.”
“We thought about musical acts during the daily task force press meetings, special guests, animal tricks, maybe a Trump Top 10 list. In the end, we felt we really needed to go with the puppets.”
The puppets Bob is referring to are an army of hand puppets that have been used for years to introduce new information to President Trump and drag him back on message. First introduced in 2017, the puppets have proven pivotal in helping the president to understand hard concepts, embrace nuance, and engage in behavior he just doesn’t want to do.
“The idea came from that one Hillary debate. You know: ‘I’m not a puppet, you’re the puppet,’” Bob says. “It kind of grew from there. We now have puppets of world leaders, so he can practice talking to them before picking up the phone or meeting with them in person. Some puppets are just for fun, like the Crooked Hillary, Pocahontas, and other female puppets. He keeps most of those down in the bunker. It’s, uh, kind of dark down there.”
The puppets now accompany President Trump everywhere. He talks to the Kim Jong Un puppet while traveling to his golf courses. He watches Fox News with the Roy Cohn puppet, sleeps with the Ivanka puppet while the Jared puppet looks on, propped up on the presidential armoire.
The White House currently employs a team of puppet makers rumored to number over a dozen. Their job is to monitor the president’s schedule and craft puppets of dignitaries, government official, and other figures the president will interact with. The goal here is to try and steer the president into something resembling meaningful exchanges that don’t veer off into ego-driven rants.
“For the first puppet presser – as we’re calling them – we expect to have Fauci, Blix, Einstein, Jesus, and (Brazil President) Bolsonaro puppets,” says Bob. “The president obviously can’t manage them by himself, so several secret service members – those with normal sized hands – will be assisting.”
Of all the puppets currently clogging the White House corridors, it should be noted that one is noticeably missing.
“We tried him with a Putin puppet,” Bob recalls. “I thought he was going to have a heart attack. The president just kept repeating ‘Not the puppet, not the puppet.’ We eventually had to rush him to Walter Reed for a medication intervention to snap him out of it.”
“So, no more Putin puppet,” Bob says. “It’s actually kept in a nice glass case in the Oval Office.”