U.S. to Start Counting Each COVID-19 Fatality as Half a Death

(PenrosePapers.com) The COVID-19 death count in the United States is looking much, much better than it did a mere day ago. This comes after a Thursday decision by the newly-formed Asian Contagion Eradication Taskforce (ACET, pronounced “asset”) that would effectively count all deaths from the coronavirus as ½ a death.

“People with this Chinese flu are dying from pneumonia, respiratory failure, multiple organ failure, septic shock, hydroxychloroquine poisoning… just lots and lots of stuff,” says ACET Coordinator Josh Mayberry. “It just doesn’t seem fair that the Chinese flu should get all the blame.”

This puts the official death count for COVID-19 at just over 60,000, a number that will come as a relief to governors who are trying to fully open in time for the July 4th holiday weekend. But it’s not just the states that are rejoicing.

“The amount of deaths was cut in half in a day… in half!” says a source close to the White House. “At this rate, people will be coming back from the dead by early July. Just in time for a massive rally tour!”

The move has prompted other federal agencies – most notably the Presidential Commission on All Fraudulent and Bad Voting By Mail Things (PCAFBVBMT, pronounced “pukafbuhvbuhemit”) – to request information on this new policy.

“I’m intrigued, and I look forward to any information and data that they can share with us on this new half death regulation,” says PCAFBVBMT Commission Chair Daisy Johnson. “I mean, you’re sitting on your ass, voting from your couch. Come on, how can that possibly be a whole vote?”

 

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