White House Contemplates Nationalizing Polling Data

(PenrosePapers.com) With 3 ½ months to go before the presidential election and a new political operative in charge of President Trump’s re-election campaign, The White House on Thursday signaled that it was giving serious thought to the way that presidential polling is conducted.

In a series of closed-door meetings with congressional allies and federal department heads, the Trump administration has proposed the creation of a Department of American Polling Standardization. Acting “Czar” Tabatha Hilton says the job of DOAPS will be to ensure fairness in the polling process.

“Rasmussen, Monmouth, Civiqs, polls run by universities and media outlets… There is a ton of presidential polling done every year, and it’s all over the map in terms of numbers,” says Czar Hilton. She holds up a piece of paper and stabs at it with a finely manicured finger.

“Look at just the past three weeks: Biden by 9, Biden by 15, Biden by 12, Biden by 10, Biden by 12, Biden by 8, Biden by 13, Biden by 13, Biden by 14… all over the place, right? How in the world is that fair to the American people? How can anyone get a sense of the race with numbers that varied? I mean, come on,” Czar Hilton says, a note of disgust creeping into her voice.

Under the proposed new system, polling outfits will not be permitted to release their own polling data, but must submit it instead to the DOAPS for analysis. Through a series of algorithms and other heady means – classified top secret to protect the sanctity and validity of the data – the numbers will be crunched by DOAPS technicians, combined with other crunched polling data, and released once a week.

Czar Hilton says the data will be much more accurate than the current shotgun approach of using dozens of polling outfits to try and gauge the state of the presidential race.

“The department will just deal with the presidential polls for this election cycle, but we hope to expand it to select congressional and local races during the president’s second term, at our discretion,” Czar Hilton says. “Those races that we feel will benefit from standardized polling, or those politicians running who have asked politely enough, will be at the very top of the list.”

Czar Hilton says one plus of this approach will be the removal of a commonly misunderstood and problematic aspect of polling: the margin of error.

“As you know, President Trump does not make errors,” Czar Hilton says. “I mean, ever. It’s amazing. Everyone says so.”

The first standardized presidential poll is scheduled to drop sometime late on Friday, July 17th, with a celebratory picnic rally planned Saturday in the White House Rose Garden.


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